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50 Fun Things For Non-Christians To Do In Church

  1. Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell."
  2. A week beforehand, find a member of ACT-UP. Tell him the scheduled sermon is entitled "Why God Sent AIDS to Punish Homosexuals".
  3. Put stray dogs in coat closets.
  4. Un-tune the piano.
  5. Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".
  6. Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.
  7. Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"
  8. Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.
  9. Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"
  10. Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.
  11. Start a wave.
  12. Do cool things with the lighting.
  13. When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff".
  14. Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.
  15. When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?"
  16. Make up your own words to the songs.
  17. Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.
  18. Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.
  19. If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT GODDAMN THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!"
  20. Dress all in black, or in camo.
  21. Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewelry. If you are male, wear two. Change sets for the evening service.
  22. If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead.
  23. At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus.
  24. Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks.
  25. Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of metallic sodium. At the first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.
  26. Inflate balloons, then send them off.
  27. Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons.
  28. Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.
  29. Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.
  30. Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.
  31. During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago."
  32. Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them.
  33. Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen.
  34. Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is.
  35. When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.
  36. Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of me," and lick them.
  37. Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"
  38. Blow bubbles.
  39. Fake a possession.
  40. Distribute condoms.
  41. Speak in tongues.
  42. Ask where the nearest ashtray is.
  43. Drool in the collection plate.
  44. Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.
  45. After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed.
  46. Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry".
  47. At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside.
  48. Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery. Send the bill to the pastor.
  49. Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"
  50. Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address of the church next Saturday at midnight.

mirrored from http://www.infidels.org/misc/humor/church_fun.html (which is now defunct)

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Comments

Really, if you feel like giving Atheists a good name instead of making us look like a bunch of immature preteens, take this down.

Chill out, it's just a joke.

It's just a goddamn joke. It's Atheists like you who add to the "Grouchy" stereotype. If you don't like stereotypes, stop being one yourself and stuff a sock in it.

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Friend of mine had to go to church every Sunday. Two things he did to at least put the time to good use.

1. Try holding your breath as long as possible. Holding your breath is hard, it's trying to breath again without making a noise :p

2. Memorize Pi. He had a tiny printout of it up to like 1000 digits to keep him busy.

Wow, he must've been really really bored. Was he Catholic?

I'm a recovering Catholic, myself. Those services are some of the most boring things known to man. I used to be convinced that the only reason people had to switch between sitting and standing during mass was because everyone would fall asleep otherwise.

In high school, my friend and I would sit in the back and see who could make the loudest fart noises without attracting attention. I'm surprised we didn't get excommunicated or something, in retrospect.... lol

Yeah, Catholic... European Catholic at that. I'd have to say, if you 16 and you go to church in Belgium... let's just say you dropped the average age in the building by at least a couple years.

mmmm pie.

1. I would suggest that you find each PC in the church and set the homepage to www.youporn.com

2. Volunteer in the nursery and use ELMO as Jesus to demonstrate the crucifiction.

Pick your targets wisely. Let the poor little neighborhood churches be: Save this for the churches with auditoriums for sanctuaries and bigger financial offices than most small businesses.

Bwa-ha-ha-ha!!!

I loved this list... and I'm a minister.

(Ok... #1 and #19 would tick me off - but the rest of it? Too fun!)

Teehee, i'm atheist and I LOVED this! ^w^

Seriously, it was really funny >w<;

17 is great.
i though 37 was awfully rude though D:

Anyways, thanks for the laugh~

This just makes atheists seem like immature assholes.

I had a dream that the pope was rolling through my neighborhood in the old school pope mobile with the bubble of protection. The hand of god came down and pushed on the top of it. When he released it, there was a loud pop and the pope did a couple flips inside his bubble. Dreams like that "Boggle" my mind.

I'd have to say that 36 is my utmost favourite. Although if someone did it to me, I'd probably crap my pants. Hahaha.

Ahahahaha, this was hilarious. xD

#37 made me lol. xD Seriously.

I'm part of the ministry team at a local church, and I find this list hilarious and inspirational.

There WAS this one time I stood in the center in back of the church and pantomimed to the pastor that his fly was down ... he immediately stepped REAL CLOSE to the pulpit and STAYED there until he was done with the sermon. When he closed with a prayer he checked his fly and gave me the DIRTIEST look ... we still laugh about it. :)

I'm seriously considering a variant of #49!!!

another good one is slap your neighbour on the cheek, and see if he turns the other cheek to you. If not, tell the minister.

Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?" *Priceless!!*

Haha this is good stuff.

As an Atheist, I don't see how this makes us look immature. It shows that we have a sense of humor. Good luck trying to find that in most Fundamentalist Christians.

That being said, I will agree that most of these are rather obnoxious and should not be attempted, but a good laugh never hurt anyone. Please, just don't bring up any intolerance bullshit. I am not intolerant of any Christian that is not intolerant of me. I have problems with organized religion and any religious people who try to force their beliefs on other people. As long as you keep your beliefs to yourself, I have no problem with you.

"Hate the sin, not the sinner."
Great mantra. Live by it.

"Is this seat SAVED?" - love it!

I'm an atheist, and I'm embarrassed that any fellow non believer would set our cause backwards ten years by even considering doing any of these idiotic, juvinial stunts.

It's funny,
but I'm wondering why and atheist would go to church anyways...But yeah if I for some realon find myself HAVING to go to church and not being able to get out of it, then yeah, I'll pull some of this little pranks, maybe not the really big ones like telling poples babies to shut the hell up..but little things. It'll be funny! *snicker*

Whats funny about the last one, is that last summer I went to a rave party in a church. Im not even joking, it was massive.

It's not about being an atheist, my dear. It is for all Non-Christians!

Years ago, when this list appeared on the usenet people at least knew what they were talking about. Nowadays it's but an old joke.

Is the person who posted these jokes an evangelical atheist or fundamentalist atheist? Or, perhaps a strict and particular atheist? The jokes are pretty lame and do not do anything to make the world a better place. Humanists do a better job of that.

For some bridge building activity check out Atheists for Jesus.

I'm an agnostic atheist and a theological noncognitivist. I posted this because I thought it was funny, and the original is no longer on the server where I found it a few years ago. I'm pretty sure it isn't meant to be a treatise on improving cyber relations between secular folks and Christians.

What exactly is a fundamentalist atheist? I know a fundamentalist Christian is one who accepts the 5 fundamentals of Christianity; but the only thing fundamental about atheism is a lack of god belief.

1. GET A LIFE!
2. Have you ever heard of such a thing as being polite? You are just as bad as the christians you mock. These stupid pranks will not show how cool you are; only how really juvenile and what an embarrassment you are to your parents.

1. GET A LIFE!
2. Have you ever heard of such a thing as being polite? You are just as bad as the christians you mock. These stupid pranks will not show how cool you are; only how really juvenile and what an embarrassment you are to your parents.

Haha, your twisted and bunched panties make me laugh.

This is classic.

i condemn you to hell for your immaturity.

but seriously this is awesome. making fun on christians is fun. its not a matter of right or wrong or any of that shit. its just fun. and isn't that what life is all about?

also it would be great to dress like a priest and come to services. sit in the front. yea... im gonna try that one

You are the dirtiest, evillest (single l?) and funniest atheist I've stumbled upon. I will now begin daydreaming of doin those things in your list. FSM damn you or better else Klaatu damn me if I don't try topping this one.

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