To restore Truthiness and fight Jon Stewart's creeping reasonableness, Stephen announces his March to Keep Fear Alive:
Finally, Truthiness will be restored to America!
Oh, it's the mainstream media. It crapped its collective pants again.
Fox News: Recession May End This Year
Reuters (c/o Yahoo!): Bernanke fears recession could extend to 2010
Well that sounds both good and serious at the same time. Now first off, I'd like to point out that Bernanke is a tool. Now that we've got that out of the way, let's take a peek at these articles.
Ok, so the quote from Bernie-boy that both of these news sources used to create their headlines appears to be:
"...there is a reasonable prospect that the current recession will end in 2009 and that 2010 will be a year of recovery."
So wait, Fox News actually conveyed this headline.. conservatively? You mean Reuters is the fire and brimstone maker? Well, I guess everyone makes mistakes.
This year is already on its third month. I know times are tough, but this year will be over before you know it. I feel like Reuters was taking advantage of the fact that some people still have 2008 lingering in the backs of their minds. "2010! That's nearly two years!"
Can't we just report the news? Where did you guys get the word "fears" anyway, Reuters? Did you just pull it out of your hat? Or was it your "doom-n-gloom phrase o-matic?" The word "fear" only appears in the headline. It's not even in the fucking contents of the article! Moreover, it's not even a quote! He never said fears!!
In fact, if you ask me, I think we're fortunate if the recession is on the rebound in 2010. What the fuck?
Fuck it. Buy your own damn fries.
Make Love, Not Terror! WaPo reports the CIA is winning over support from local leaders in Afghanistan by offering them free Viagra:
The Afghan chieftain looked older than his 60-odd years, and his bearded face bore the creases of a man burdened with duties as tribal patriarch and husband to four younger women. His visitor, a CIA officer, saw an opportunity, and reached into his bag for a small gift.
Four blue pills. Viagra.
"Take one of these. You'll love it," the officer said. Compliments of Uncle Sam.
The enticement worked. The officer, who described the encounter, returned four days later to an enthusiastic reception. The grinning chief offered up a bonanza of information about Taliban movements and supply routes -- followed by a request for more pills.