Republican to English Dictionary

Often, some Republicans say things that sound a bit odd to those of us with other political persuasions. Here is a list of English words, accompanied by what many Republicans seem to think that they mean:

activist judge
a judge who actively reads the Constitution before making a judgment
alarmist
person who refuses to deny global warming
Arab
see: terrorist
atheist
a person who hates God
bipartisan
supported by the entire Republican Party, plus Joe Lieberman
Beltway Journalist's Common Wisdom (as seen on Megacorporate TV)
Truth is always exactly halfway between whatever the Republican Party and the Democratic Party are currently saying. Making conclusions by objectively judging the facts which differ from the current center is yucky and is to be avoided at all costs, because that is what all regular everyday Americans want. If we ever reported objectively, we would lose our eternal nonpartisanship, the one thing that makes us special and better than everyone else (especially the dirty fucking hippy bloggers).
Christian (fundamentalist a.k.a. “born again”)
a member of the Republican Party
Christian (other)
closet atheist
civil liberties extremist
person who supports warrants
conservative
any person who supports George W. Bush (e.g. Joe Lieberman, Ann Coulter, Zell Miller)
Democratic Party
see: Democrat Party
Democrat Party
Al Qaeda fan club
detainee
warmer, fuzzier word for prisoner
faith-based initiative
government initiative respecting an establishment of religion
faggot
electorally viable liberal Democratic presidential candidate
the enemy
varies; please see today's civilization-threatening enemy bent on our total annihilation at www.gop.com
fair and balanced
biased as fuck
family values (a.k.a. moral values)
anti-gay
far-left
person who supports warrants
fertilized human egg
A person with inalienable personal rights (as long as it is eventually born and he or she doesn't end up gay)
hatred of America
hatred of the Republican Party
homosexuality
a conscious choice to spit directly in Baby Jesus' face. Though no one is naturally gay, many people are tempted into homosexuality by the lures of soul-crushing social stigmas and the loss of equal protection of the law.
giving aid and comfort to the enemy
opposing illegal warfare and domestic spying
Hitler
person who eventually reincarnated into Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
I don't recall (link nsfw)
I recall, but if I told you, you would probably send me to prison for a long time
The Internets
The Internets is not something you can just dump something on, it's not a big truck. It's a series of tubes, invented by Al Gore and pluralized by George W. Bush
legal immigrant
white person who has moved to America to build a better life and live in freedom; rarely, a non-white person with American family members.
illegal immigrant (pronounced gawd dam uhh-lEEguhl)
Mexican criminal who has moved to invaded America to steal our jobs, sell drugs to our kids, rape and shoot at people indiscriminately, leech off of our welfare programs, and reduce the value of our property.
immigration reduction
getting rid of the Mexicans
Islam
Terrorist religion; Islam was the official religion of Nazi Germany. Don't look that up.
islamofascists
the Nazi-like followers of Islam
Jesus
Ancient white Jewish male who personally founded the Republican Party. He preached the virtues of theocracy, homophobia, sexism, racism, and tax cuts for rich people. Worm-like, Jesus is known to sometimes reside inside the hearts of some humans, usually preferring those from poverty-stricken areas with substandard levels of education.
journalism
broadcast of Republican talking points
left-wing
less conservative than Ronald Reagan
liberal
any person who does not support George W. Bush (e.g. Ron Paul, Pat Buchanan, and Dennis Kucinich are all very liberal)
liberal media
any media outlet with an insufficiently conservative bias. Everyone knows that the mainstream media has a liberal bias. It's science.
Neville Chamberlain
A British politician who attempted to prevent Nazi Germany from taking over other European countries by giving Nazi Germany control of other European countries. All comparisons of anti-war Democrats to Neville Chamberlain are totally accurate and in no way retarded.
New York Times
Newspaper company run by Al Qaeda
patriot
a person who supports creation of a domestic police state and endless warfare
perjury (Democratic)
a high crime warranting impeachment and removal from office
perjury (Republican)
a pretend crime that should never be prosecuted, because the REAL underlying crime has yet to be disposed (because the Republican lied to cover it up). This would merely waste precious taxpayer money that could otherwise be spent paying for 30 seconds of the Iraqi War.
pro-business
against workers rights, fair wages, and taxation of upper-income individuals
pro-family
very anti-gay
pro-life
Favoring government-sponsored killing though warfare and capital punishment, while opposing the destruction of living human tissue not part of a person.
Republican Party
Jesus' favorite party; composed of all patriotic Americans who want to Win The War at any cost, no matter how much political framing and distortion of reality is required
Ron Paul
a sneaky liberal Democrat posing as a Republican
Serious
pro-war
small government conservatism (a.k.a. limited government conservatism)
support for a massive government police state, in a continuous state of war and with unlimited power to monitor and regulate the activities of the people
special interest group
organized group of people who don't vote for Republicans
states' rights
states' rights to criminalize abortion and oppress minorities
stay the course
deny error when caught making a mistake; continue mistake and redouble efforts/resources
strict constructionist
judicial philosophy involving a strictly constructed fictional reality where America is a Christian Nation founded by people who hated gays, women, and foreigners; who seceded from Great Britain because the King did not have enough executive power over them.
strong on national security
weak on liberty, rule of law; cowardly
supporting the troops
Forcing the troops to remain in service beyond their contracts, while reducing their pay and health care benefits; sending them to invade foreign countries for bogus reasons while refusing to buy them adequate body armor; compensating for this by buying yellow ribbons while filling up the S.U.V. and accusing other people of not supporting the troops.
terrorism
The unlawful use or threatened use of force or violence by a (non-Republican) person or organized group against people or property with the intention of intimidating or coercing societies or governments, often for ideological or political reasons.
War On Terrorism
Republican attempt at stopping groups of people from unlawfully intimidating or attacking other groups of people for political/ideological reasons, by making threats and using violence to intimidate and coerce them (for ideological and political reasons.)
torture
I do not believe I can provide a definition of torture, because I believe it is wise for us not to describe precisely what illegal, excruciatingly painful techniques our government is using in interrogating people we don't like. As long as we don't officially admit that we are waterboarding prisoners, terrorists will have absolutely no idea that we are doing so. If they knew, they could prepare by growing gills or an extra set of lungs, thus rendering our precious torture technique as quaint as the Geneva Conventions.
traitor
any person who voices opposition to Republican foreign policy
uniter, not a divider
an amoral, hyper-partisan politician who encourages polarization on a national scale by repeatedly insinuating that one half of the population are traitors, without regard to what the consequences might be beyond the next election.
unlawful enemy combatant
prisoner held unlawfully in custody
warrant
a special right for terrorists attempting to destroy America
waterboarding
an extreme sport popular among surfers on Middle Eastern beaches. Republicans sometimes secretly arrange for super-duper bad guys to get to go waterboarding, in hopes of winning them over. People who go waterboarding tend to always provide completely accurate information, which is definitely not random bullshit made up on the spot in an effort to end the waterboarding. These people, like all other torture victims, foster a deep-seated love for all Americans. They go on to spend the rest of their lives not dwelling on their immense hatred for us, and especially not plotting to take violent revenge on us at any cost.
Winston Churchill
A principled, stubborn politician who stood up to belligerent foreign nations that started unprovoked wars of aggression and refused to stop fighting when the situation looked grim. Churchill is a direct parallel to George W. Bush and the other war advocates of our time, except for the small difference that this time the stubborn leader who refuses to give up is actually in charge of the country starting unprovoked wars of aggression.